Friday, October 21, 2011

cast away

next week, i am holding auditions to fill the spot you left.
in search of:
a man who would propose the night before prom
and hit the road two days later.
a man who loves his freedom
to beat his rhythm on the road
and the ones he loves.
a beast in bed and a giant in gentile mannerisms
a solipsistic selfish ego
who would rather stroke himself to sleep
than sacrifice his dreams for love
of anything other than his country.

this man was all you
and none of you, at once
he was all the catharsis and none of the conscious
he was all the action and none of the forethought
he was all the soldier and none of the fighter.

but you were just as lost as he
and i just as lost in you
as she

and you left
to find yourself
or greater
or something, anything else

and for all of the moves i make on a daily basis
i couldn't choreograph the tide that would pull you towards the horizon
the haze where you would blur into the atmosphere
leaving only fog and perspective
no lines culminating at an origin
no beginnings
just the end.


if i asked you, you would say you left for me
to save me
from myself when i was with you.
that it was for the best.


somehow when you didn't look back
once you stepped on that train
that would take you away
i knew
i knew that that would be the last time i would see you
that i would interlace my fingers in the small of your back
that i would nuzzle my forehead into your sternum
that you would exhale in my ear
that you would run the backs of your knuckles along my cheekbone
that i would smell your cologne mixed in your sweat
that you would pierce me
with your eyes first and your body later
that your fingers would trace the outline of our trauma on my torso
that you would hold me through the night

i knew

because it was the same look you gave me that night in Barcelona
the day you put me on a bus to Charles de Gaulle
the night you drove your Civic away from the back of French House
the day in the psychologists office
the time you stood in your Santa undies in my loft
when i came home to toothpaste residue where your brush used to be

i got used to you looking at me like you were never going to see me again.
but even that got old
and though i knew, there was nothing i could do.

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